Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Shootout at the IMB Corral...

There's a war going on over at the IMB corral. The war is between the SBC Crusading Conservatives and the SBC Cooperating Conservatives. The majority of the IMB trustees are crusading conservatives. Wade Burleson is one of the leaders of cooperating conservatives.

The crusading conservatives are on an eternal crusade to keep Southern Baptist missionaries spotlessly pure according to their view of Southern Baptist orthodoxy. The cooperating conservatives are willing to fudge a bit and allow missionaries to hold views that aren't exactly in line with Southern Baptist orthodoxy. Crusading conservatives and cooperating conservatives are exactly alike. Neither group will cooperate with people who refuse to cooperate with them. So much for the idea that "cooperating conservatives" really want to cooperate with others unless others cooperate with them on their terms.

Here's the way the war at the IMB Corral started. The IMB trustees were all gathered at the corral for a regular trustee meeting. Some of the trustees were caucusing in small groups outside the corral. In a previous meeting, the trustees had changed the IMB policy regarding missionaries. The new policy change tightened the ropes around the necks of the missionaries. Apparently, they were also planning strategy to put a hangman's noose over the head of IMB foreman, Jerry Rankin. Wade didn't like this one bit. He didn’t like the fact that he couldn’t control the same IMB policy that the crusading conservatives were trying to control

Wade had a plan when he went to the corral. He loaded his shiny, smooth blogosphere pistol with cyber bullets. The shots that initiated this war came from his cyber pistol. Wade walked into the IMB corral and emptied his pistol of cyber bullets at the at the IMB trustees who would not cooperate with him. The IMB trustees were stunned for a short while, but none were severely wounded. They ran and hid in the back room of the ranch house behind the corral.

For a day or two, the IMB trustees hunched down behind closed doors and yelled loud verbal curses at Wade. They were very angry at the kind of bullets he was using. Many of the IMB trustees had never seen the kind of bullets he was using. Some said the bullets were made of something akin to pornography. Others said the bullets were made of slander and gossip. Finally after taking Wade's best shots, the IMB trustees decided to return the fire with a shot of their own. Instead of using a cyber pistol, which can only inflict injury to one's ego, the trustees used a huge cannon that could kill one's membership in the body of trustees. The IMB trustees fired only one shot from their big cannon and Wade was fired from the IMB trustees.

At the end of the day, Wade lay not dead, but severely wounded. He managed to crawl back to his hideout. Meanwhile back on the SBC ranch out in the hinterlands, Wade’s buddies heard about fight at the IMB corral. The young guns called one another to arms. They began firing cyber blogshots at the IMB trustees and everyone else within range. Of course the whole world is within range of a blogshot. An interesting thing about shooting with cyber pistols is that cyber bullets can go literally around the world in a split second. They aren’t always accurate, but they sure are fast. They’re much faster than speeding bullets of the regular kind.

I am happy to report that Wade, although wounded, is gaining strength every day. He’s not dead. Certainly not by a long cybershot. His cyber buddies are whipped up into a cyber frenzy. They are excited about waging cyber war with the IMB trustees through the blogisphere. The big shootout is yet to come. That will happen at the Greensboro corral in June. Stay tuned…

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